The World Cup all-star commentary line-up

Many qualities distinguish cricket lovers from the rest of humanity. There's our ability to appreciate a game that can last a week and never at any stage look as though it is going to produce a result. There's our propensity to retain endless pieces of useless statistical information such as Chris Old's batting average, the score at lunch of the first day of the Headingley Test in 1981, and Ian Bishop's inside leg measurement.

Above all, there's our fascination with compiling fantasy teams. You know the kind of thing: all-time left-handed Sri Lankan XI; combined Anglo-Australian Ashes sides whose surnames began with Z; 1970s hairy New Zealanders. We all do it.

The problem with these fantasy selections is that they only ever include cricket players. When we were young, these were the kind of clean-living, enthusiastic, ten-times-round-the-playing-field-before-breakfast characters who were always picked first in PE and were forever collecting trophies from the headmaster. We hated them when we were at school with them, so why celebrate them now?

It is only when they stop being players, when their waistlines expand to civilian proportions and when we get to hear them mumble into a microphone, that we should embrace them. For only when a man enters the arena of the commentary booth armed with nothing but a handful of adjectives and a couple of golf anecdotes does he show his true worth. So to celebrate the true heroes of our game, here is the World Cup 2015 Long Handle all-star commentary line-up:

Lead commentator
Mark Nicholas. Gets the nod over Harsha Bhogle, thanks to his impressive head of hair. A natural salesperson, Nicholas has a smooth turn of phrase, a twinkle in his eye and an interview technique that puts the unctuous into unctuous interview technique.

First co-commentator
Ravi Shastri. The guitarist to Nicholas' lead singer, Shastri is equally desirous of the limelight and ideally equipped to step in and irritate us while the main commentator is taking a hairspray break. Loud, bombastic, and loud.

Second co-commentator
Ian Bishop. Delivers his righteous observations from a height of 6ft 5in. Has a patient style, but gives the impression that he resents being forced to share a booth with a bunch of jokers who wouldn't have lasted five minutes with him on the cricket field.

Clown
Ian Healy. His hilarious bias and physical inability to criticise anything Australian is in the great tradition of the court jester, most of whom ended up being executed - their execution often being more entertaining than their acts.

Current player in the booth
Kevin Pietersen. The job of the current player in the booth is to sound as though he has wandered in by mistake, to be a foil for the wit of the others, and to provide those special moments of toe-curling awkwardness. If Kevin can also bring to the microphone his world-class lack of perspective and personal retribution agenda, he could turn out to be one of the commentary stars of the World Cup.