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Andrew Hughes
10-Sep-2014
If the standard of the apple he had been thoughtlessly offered was any indication, Kevin Pietersen was in for a rotten season • PA Photos
Thanks to an arrangement with the man who empties Kevin Pietersen's ghostwriter's bin we are able to bring you another installment of the book that has already been longlisted for next year's Booker Prize for Paranoid Fiction. Read the sensational story of one man's struggle to stay in the headlines as we give you part two of our exclusive serialisation:
24th April
Pumped for first game as captain of the Daredevils. Stand-in captain has done an okay job - a bloke called Danish or Dishy or Diana, or something like that. One win, two losses. He's done his best. But the players can only get you so far, it's the captain who makes the difference. So cheers, Diana, I'll take it from here!
Pumped for first game as captain of the Daredevils. Stand-in captain has done an okay job - a bloke called Danish or Dishy or Diana, or something like that. One win, two losses. He's done his best. But the players can only get you so far, it's the captain who makes the difference. So cheers, Diana, I'll take it from here!
Checked my phone. Crazy level of support from England fans, another 217 Tweets saying I should still be in the team! The KP bandwagon is rolling!
25th April
Hit a punchy 16 and a six that will be boundary of the tournament, for sure. Can't fault the players, apart from Mohammed Shami and Wayne Parnell who bowled like numpties and JP, who didn't push on when he should have. Come on guys, can't do it all by myself!
Hit a punchy 16 and a six that will be boundary of the tournament, for sure. Can't fault the players, apart from Mohammed Shami and Wayne Parnell who bowled like numpties and JP, who didn't push on when he should have. Come on guys, can't do it all by myself!
27th April
Boom! KP is back! Not out 26! Again, some of the other guys didn't step up. Pretty clear I am carrying this team at the moment. Murali Vijay got to 40, then got out, and some of the bowlers need to keep a level head. Shahbaz Nadeem asked me if he did okay. I told him straight. Mate, it's not all about you. It's about the team.
Boom! KP is back! Not out 26! Again, some of the other guys didn't step up. Pretty clear I am carrying this team at the moment. Murali Vijay got to 40, then got out, and some of the bowlers need to keep a level head. Shahbaz Nadeem asked me if he did okay. I told him straight. Mate, it's not all about you. It's about the team.
Agent forwarded me 150 letters from England fans asking for my return. Not up to me guys!
25th May
You win some, you lose nine. A good skipper can only do so much, in the end. You gotta have the players. I'll be honest, I wasn't looking when Bailey hit the winning run, because Warney had just sent me an Instagram of his new trousers.
You win some, you lose nine. A good skipper can only do so much, in the end. You gotta have the players. I'll be honest, I wasn't looking when Bailey hit the winning run, because Warney had just sent me an Instagram of his new trousers.
Whole thing was a bit of a shambles. Gave it my all, but was badly let down by my team-mates, the coach, the owner, the physio, the guy who was supposed to chill my sports drink, everyone. Will be glad to get out of here. On to bigger and better things.
13th June
Boom! KP is back (again). Turned up late at Surrey because I didn't realise they played at The Oval. Fired off an angry text to my agent telling him logistics is his department. You want to work for KP, you've got to be sharp. Didn't get to bat, some bloke called Hashim was hogging the crease. Nearly cost us the game with his slow scoring.
Boom! KP is back (again). Turned up late at Surrey because I didn't realise they played at The Oval. Fired off an angry text to my agent telling him logistics is his department. You want to work for KP, you've got to be sharp. Didn't get to bat, some bloke called Hashim was hogging the crease. Nearly cost us the game with his slow scoring.
16th June
Piers had recorded the whole five days of the Lord's Test, so me and Jess spent the evening fast-forwarding it, counting the "Bring Back KP" banners. I saw three, but Jess said the third one didn't count because it was an advert for salted nuts. Anyway, pretty clear what the British public want. Anyone listening at the ECB?
Piers had recorded the whole five days of the Lord's Test, so me and Jess spent the evening fast-forwarding it, counting the "Bring Back KP" banners. I saw three, but Jess said the third one didn't count because it was an advert for salted nuts. Anyway, pretty clear what the British public want. Anyone listening at the ECB?
1st August
On my way to St Lucia. Pumped about my first game for the Zutons. Named after the band, apparently. Sent a text to my buddy Chris Gayle, telling him to watch out for St Lucia in the final. He sent a LOL back. We'll see mate!
On my way to St Lucia. Pumped about my first game for the Zutons. Named after the band, apparently. Sent a text to my buddy Chris Gayle, telling him to watch out for St Lucia in the final. He sent a LOL back. We'll see mate!
10th August
Flying back from St Lucia. Made a classy 23 and a useful 7, but to be honest, the set-up was a shambles. They'd already lost six before I arrived. You've got to give me something to work with, guys! Before the last game, I stood up in the dressing room and told them what their problem was. The coach. The captain. The players. Simple as that. If they want to get anywhere as a team, they've got to be more professional.
Flying back from St Lucia. Made a classy 23 and a useful 7, but to be honest, the set-up was a shambles. They'd already lost six before I arrived. You've got to give me something to work with, guys! Before the last game, I stood up in the dressing room and told them what their problem was. The coach. The captain. The players. Simple as that. If they want to get anywhere as a team, they've got to be more professional.
Jess phoned at the airport. Asked me if I'm not going to be doing anything this winter, could I clean out the shed. Told her to watch this space.
23rd August
Having dragged Surrey to the semi-finals, chipped in with a vital 13 on the day but got no support. I don't like to point the finger, but I'm a straight talker, and for me there are only two people to blame: the captain and the coach.
Having dragged Surrey to the semi-finals, chipped in with a vital 13 on the day but got no support. I don't like to point the finger, but I'm a straight talker, and for me there are only two people to blame: the captain and the coach.
Phone only showing two tweets of support from England fans. Probably something wrong with the battery.
9th September
Got a call from Alec Stewart while I was in the shed. Said he appreciated my offer to play the last two county games, but reckoned it would be too intimidating for the youngsters to have me in the dressing room. Understandable. I asked if they need me next season. He promised to get back to me. Good bloke, Alec, although he was a pretty ordinary player.
Got a call from Alec Stewart while I was in the shed. Said he appreciated my offer to play the last two county games, but reckoned it would be too intimidating for the youngsters to have me in the dressing room. Understandable. I asked if they need me next season. He promised to get back to me. Good bloke, Alec, although he was a pretty ordinary player.
Text from my agent. They don't need me for the High Wycombe production of Aladdin this winter, because Darren Gough is available. Heard their staging of Puss In Boots last year was an absolute joke. Totally amateur outfit, by the sound of it. Dodged a bullet there. Can't afford to be associated with any more failures. Got my career to think of!
Andrew Hughes is a writer currently based in England. He tweets here