2019 World Cup format set in stone, but maybe not

At a hastily convened press conference, the ICC today confirmed that the 2019 World Cup would indeed be a ten-team tournament unless they changed their minds.

A spokesman said that the format was already set in stone, but that a review was underway looking into whether that stone could be replaced with an entirely different stone.

"As everyone is aware, we're very keen to move towards a three-team World Cup in which England get knocked out in the round-robin stage before a best-of-nine final between India and Australia. We feel that a ten-team tournament in 2019 presents a great stepping stone towards that ultimate goal.

"However, we have also noted that the Associate nations have provided much of the best cricket thus far, so we're also looking at not doing that and maybe doing something completely different instead."

Asked what other formats were on the table, the spokesman replied:

"We're certainly considering having even more Associate teams taking part, so an 18- or 20-team tournament is a possibility. At the same time, we need to review the TV figures and those are likely to reveal that we need to put more focus on India matches and less on Scotland."

So what would this mean, in practical terms? Would there be an expanded round-robin stage, or a number of separate groups?

"One suggestion has been that we put all of the top nations in one group and all of the Associates in another group with all of the top nations then going through to a round-robin stage and all of the Associate nations exiting the tournament. That would guarantee plenty of matches for the so-called minnows and plenty of big matches for TV."

When it was pointed out that this was moronic and not actually a tournament, the spokesman claimed that this particular format was "getting a lot of traction at board level". He also said that while there was a desire to meet fans' needs, there was also total acceptance that this wouldn't be happening.

"Look, we know that we can't please everyone. But we can at least make a convoluted, drawn-out, unfair tournament that pleases no one. Fans say 'do this' or 'do that', and quite often they have good ideas, but they have to understand that planning and scheduling a World Cup isn't about good ideas. It's about missing the point and creating something entirely unsatisfactory, which will hopefully throw up a few good moments six weeks in, when everyone's kind of lost interest."

In recent years the ICC has made a series of rule changes that have brought about higher scoring in one-day internationals. In light of the fact that many of the more exciting games in the 2015 World Cup have been low-scoring, are further changes being considered to address the dominance of bat over ball?

"Rule changes? You're asking us whether we're considering making rule changes? Are you kidding? We've got all sorts of things lined up.

"We're already committed to new measures that will see five fielders outside the circle in non-Powerplay overs, but there's every chance that after 12 months this will become one fielder outside the circle with no fielders on the field of play whatsoever during the Powerplays.

"We're looking at allowing substitutions again, what with it having been such a colossal failure last time around, and there's also a big push from some quarters to have a new ball at the start of every over.

"New boundary regulations will see the playing area becoming larger, then smaller, then squarer, then more trapezoid, and we are also reviewing how many lives batsmen should have. There's a general feeling that one is nowhere near enough.

"So if you're asking whether we're going to be making any rule changes, then yes. If you're asking whether those changes will bring scores down - who knows? The important thing is that all ten teams at the next World Cup - or all three teams or all 20 teams, depending which way we go - the important thing is that all of the teams will be entirely in the dark about how the game works and it'll all be a bit random. But not so random that India don't win, obviously. We're not mental."