Bazball is genius and wonderful. Also ridiculous, annoying, and bound to fail

Firstly, the Light Roller would like to make a statement to our loyal reader.

It has come to our attention that we may have, at various unspecified points in the past, referred to the so-called "Bazball" as the greatest thing ever to happen to cricket, a feat of genius with no parallel in the history of the game, the latest English sporting innovation set to sweep the world, and the only thing worth getting out of bed for in the morning.

Regretfully, we must now inform you that these views were, at best, misguided, at worst, deviant. The so-called "Bazball" is in fact an overhyped chimera, a flawed piece of one-dimensional thinking that was destined to fail, the latest blight on England's much-tarnished sporting reputation, and a very annoying word to boot.

This much has become painfully clear in the wake of England's 4-1 humiliation in India, which differed so vastly from their previous visits to the country - such as in 2021, when they valiantly lost 3-1 despite not having a single batter who had ever faced spin bowling, and in 2016, when they stodgily plodded to a respectable 4-0 defeat (which included twice scoring 400 only to lose by an innings).

With the so-called "Bazballers" returning home in order to be publicly flogged/made to practise their forward defence, the Light Roller hopes to help make amends with this special England report card.

Ben Stokes
Scored his runs at a strike rate of 54.22. Only took one wicket. Failed to produce any miraculous single-handed match-winning heroics. Has this guy even heard of the so-called "Bazball"?

So-called Bazball rating: -1

James Anderson
About as funky as you would expect of a man who has seemingly been bowling fast-medium swing since the dawn of Test cricket.

So-called Bazball rating: 3

Jonny Bairstow
The batter who blew India away with twin hundreds at Edgbaston in 2022 barely blew more than a few raspberries this time around - though he did admirably try to hit the cover off every ball in his 100th Test.

So-called Bazball rating: 6

Shoaib Bashir
Trust in youth, let players express themselves. Ideally make sure they get issued their visa in time. These are the tenets of the so-called "Bazball". Loses a mark for being an offspinner, which is quite boring.

So-called Bazball rating: 7

Zak Crawley
Turns out that when Crawley is consistent, England don't win Test matches. Chalk that one up to Brendon McCullum's galaxy brain.

So-called Bazball rating: 6

Ben Duckett
Scored an 88-ball hundred and not much else besides, but - crucially - wound up the opposition at a key juncture with a textbook bit of needless preachy grandstanding in a press conference.

So-called Bazball rating: 7

Ben Foakes
So endearingly old school that he rarely hits the ball off the square, never mind in the air. Often seems to be working at deliberate cross-purposes to the so-called "Bazball" agenda.

So-called Bazball rating: 0

Tom Hartley
Got hit for six from his first ball on debut. Hit the first England six of the tour. Often got out trying to hit the ball for six. Oh yes, and he took quite a few wickets.

So-called Bazball rating: 9

Jack Leach
As he did in the very first Test under Stokes and McCullum, Leach injured himself in the line of duty and was not seen much from that point on.

So-called Bazball rating: 5

Ollie Pope
Played the "greatest innings by an Englishman in the subcontinent" in Hyderabad, according to his captain. The rest of his series reminded us more of infinite monkey theorem.

So-called Bazball rating: 8

Rehan Ahmed
Made an appearance as the Nighthawk, batting at No. 3 in Vizag and bowled nicely on several occasions without changing anything much. Loses several marks for not liking golf.

So-called Bazball rating: 4

Ollie Robinson
Can you do the so-called "Bazball" if you are injured/busy recording a podcast? No, it would seem.

So-called Bazball rating: 1

Joe Root
A series of two halves. Was having an absolute shocker, epitomised by his reverse-scoop dismissal in Rajkot, before remembering he is the team's best batter and losing all the slap-happy credit he had built up.

So-called Bazball rating: 9, 1

Mark Wood
Scored 48 runs from 53 balls faced for a strike rate of 90.56, thereby topping the standings for the series in the only metric that counts.

So-called Bazball rating: 4

Is the rivalry that accompanies contests between Sri Lanka and Bangladesh petty, small-minded and unbecoming? Yes. Is said rivalry the main reason we take an interest in contests between Sri Lanka and Bangladesh? Also yes. After the naagin-dance years, we are now officially in the timed-out era, after Sri Lanka's players celebrated their T20I series victory by posing with the trophy while pointing to their wrists - a classic bit of banter referencing Angelo Mathews' dismissal at last year's World Cup. We can only hope the BCB stands ready to respond and is already in discussions with international watchmakers about sponsoring this timeless beef for years to come.